Monday, January 24, 2011

Kvlt Is Fvking Dvmb

Nice barn, dumbass. North Dakota is sooooo brutal
Note: The following rant represents the point of view of only the Baby Killer, not the website, nor any of the other writers. Enjoy!

At the risk of potentially alienating some of our fan base, I'd like to take a moment to talk about yet another group of people that are a total nuisance to metalheads- kvlt people (kvlt kids, kvlts, kvlt heads, I don't know the terminology, nor do I care). I guarantee you've seen them at least once in your life. They're the pompous douchebags who walk around with corpse paint and Burzum shirts and appear to take little or no pleasure in anything at all, save for berating and belittling those who don't agree with their incredibly limited taste in music. In my opinion, they're just as bad as the hardcore kids, just a bunch of narrow-minded elitists whose sole purpose is to deride others in a vain attempt to defend their boring, shitty music. Yep, sounds like a hardcore kid to me, except instead of flat-brimmed hats and basketball shorts they don corpse paint and gauntlets. A word of advice: if you're not talking about Burzum, Mayhem, Gorgoroth or some other band that's totally gay for Satan, don't even bother, because it'll just turn into a tirade about how you're an idiot who has no idea what real metal is and you don't deserve to listen to it. Now don't get me wrong, I love me some Anaal Nathrakh, even some Emperor once in a while, but on the whole black metal is nothing but one long monotonous drone of simplistic riffs, embarrassingly slow blast beats and nails-on-chalkboard screeching vocals. Now all you have to do is make sure you never ever EVER do ANYTHING different for the rest of your career, and presto, black metal. And yet when I make this counter-argument, suddenly I'm the ignorant moron. Get over yourself fag, I don't take anyone who looks like a mime seriously. Excuse the hell out of me for liking bands that are always trying to diversify and further themselves as musicians. What you call "pointless noodling" I call "talent", and what you call "ominous, raw and kvlt as fvk" I call "this is boring, can we please listen to Dying Fetus now?" And don't even get me started on trying to meet them halfway and explain that I like some newer, melodic black metal bands like Dimmu Borgir, Wintersun and Enfold Darkness, because apparently they're nothing but a bunch of sell-out mainstream shitheads. Oh right, I'm sorry, I forgot that if more than twelve people have heard of a band then they've sold out. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the whole purpose of black metal to emphasize individuality and rebellion? And yet when a band shows any signs of innovation and deviation from the black metal norm, they're immediately scorned and cast out by the so-called "true" fans. Methinks I smell a hypocrite, ladies and gentlemen. Oh well, in the end we all know that death metal > black metal. Your blast beat are belong to us now, bitch.

-The Baby Killer


  1. I have never had to directly deal with one of these people, but I am definitely aware of them and their likeness in other genres of music. Essentially these are like the indie hipsters of the metal world. No different. Like you said, I enjoy my fair share of black metal (Emperor, Dimmu, Old Man's Child, Graveworm, and Immortal) and I would say Dissection is among one of my favorite bands. And as you pointed out, their hypocrisy has been well documented. It has been parodied in the Metalocalypse episode when they go to Norway to visit Toki's dying father and documented in films like Metal: A Headbanger's Journey and True Norwegian Black Metal. I won't even get started on ex-Gorgoroth singer Gaahl, but the seed for the elitist attitude comes from the tenets of the version of Satanism that seems to be largely ascribed to black metal. When I was researching Dissection, I came across the website for their religion The Temple of the Black Light. Their membership is limited 218 and is full. They give limited information on how to practice and about their beliefs, but basically it seems the attitude is if you don't understand, we are not telling. Which is at least self consistent with the idea that one should allow anyone to tell you how to live (especially a religion like Christianity). So the elitist idealism has some grounds to it, but for people that apply it to their musical choices and use it belittle the choices of others are missing the point of the religion's tenets completely. They are hypocrites, indeed, and of course most likely have no knowledge of or belief in the religion from which their elitist attitude is spawned. This is of course ignoring the inherent hypocrisies of Satanism for this argument's sake. Just thought I would share

  2. That was a great episode of metalocalpyse.

    Do you like it?
    Yeah it's ok I guess...
    Then I hate it!

    So very true...

  3. Valid point sir, Satanism is just as hypocritical as any other organized religion. The first doctrine of Satanism, or "commandment" in other words (proof that all religion is, in Murderface's words, "the same boring crap"), is that you must never harm another living being, but then it immediately goes on huge tirades about decimating any and all who oppose you and stand in your way. I like the whole self-empowerment mantra that Satanism preaches, but in the end hypocrisy is hypocrisy, no two ways about it. On a side note I'm disappointed that no one's gotten butt-hurt about this yet, but it's still early haha

  4. You are just plain wrong man. I'm not even going to bother replying you, but just know that real black metal is not just slow blast beats. Go listen to some black witchery nehemah, dark funeral etc. You just didn't sit down and talked seriously and long with a black metalhead. I'm not talking about the corpse paint kids, they are wrong. I agree with that only in concerts. I mean you can do your show make up (corpse paint.) Or on your album covers etc. Or even photography but not putting it on and walking around like that all day.